My Biggest Fear

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. From my days of Author of the Week to studying Shakespeare in England, I’ve dreamed of pouring over a typewriter, letting words flow onto paper, seeing my thoughts affect another person. Staying home with the kids right now, it seems I have a chance yet being the matriarch who keeps the family standing tall may be more important than fulfilling my dream. It’s a humbling conclusion to give up something so non-negotiable in my soul for another more encompassing and greater priority. Children are the future and a strong family keeps us all on the path for betterment. It is better to be selfless than selfish but I feel I am giving up myself at times, prepping dinner rather than hiding with my words. Writing is vying for my time right along with my children. They always win because the duty of a mother will always triumph in my mind. My mother was there, hindsight says I watched her go a little crazy, but she was always there for my sister and me so I spend my time trying to find the balance between a mother’s duty to her children and the duty of a mother to herself. One cannot lead others to health when she herself is not healthy. Yet when the children call, I come. There has to be a sometime that I let them be on the side so I can prop myself up on a stand with feather, inkwell and paper. Not oblivious but decidedly choosing not to do anything about the discord around me. Shoulda, woulda, coulda, sometimes even I have to say my time is now. How am I ever going to make it without first making the time for it? I fear I will let it slip by me, I fear I will procrastinate too long, I fear I will let everyone one else’s needs come before mine. I fear I will let myself down. Not allowing myself to be someone I want to be. I want to write, I want to read, I want to play. If I consistently do everything else for everyone else, I will be nothing but a shell of a person. Nothing inside, just filler. Filled with someone else’s desires.

About eyeofmyown

woman, wife, mother, writer, artist...
This entry was posted in blog post, I can do better, life changing, real life stories, writing and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to My Biggest Fear

  1. Jessica M says:

    As a fellow mother, we have our priorities, and I’m glad yours are in the right place — with our children! And then oftentimes, we’re so tense from the day that when we do get some free time, we’d rather immerse ourselves in light activities that don’t require a lot of brainwork; i.e., writing. But your writing will come along sooner than later. Procrastination needs to be eliminated. Make a list of your priorities. If you find something, say social media or internet browsing creeping above what’s more important to you (like writing), stop it immediately and start your writing.

    Also, your children will become older faster than you’d like, and the older they get, the more time you will have for yourself. Always work towards your goals and stay focused on your priorities.

    I wish you the best!

    Like

  2. bzirkone says:

    The struggle is real. As the mother of four adult children, 10 grand children, an aging parent and against all the odds (mostly in spite of how selfish I am), a patient husband. Family first, always, and yes, you have to be healthy to raise healthy people. What I see with young mothers now is a tendency to feel pressure to live up to some imagined ideal of motherhood: beautiful, fit, loving, understanding, patient, playful and constantly creating a perfect environment for the children. Just writing that sentence takes me back a few years and makes me tired. Try to remember that children are quite resourceful. You don’t have to be everything to everybody all the time. You’ll burn out. Schedule the time to write. Teach the kids about boundaries and show them that you are more than a one-dimensional task-minded nanny (I’m certainly not suggesting that you are any of these things at all… but I see so much of this battle going on with young moms). Most of all, enjoy them. Let the dishes go. Fix pb&j twice a week for dinner. They’ll be happy when you are. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • eyeofmyown says:

      So true on so many levels, @bzirkone! As things fall into place, I am understanding I have to experience and fully understand my frustrations before I can appreciate anything that comes next… I recently found out my little boy got accepted into preschool so that time I needed has opened up to me… I am trying to love every second my kids are driving me nuts this summer because soon enough, the house will be empty. Though I am not on WordPress as much as I’d like, I always look forward to what you’ve got to say- I feel that our minds aren’t too far apart 🙂

      Like

  3. bzirkone says:

    **I didn’t mean to imply that I am the mother to all those people…I worded it wrong…but you get my drift.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s